If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see
—Gordon Lightfoot, 1969
There are unseen prisoners in our community. It is the children of dysfunctional families. Like ghosts, they are chained in childrearing nightmares from which they feel they will never get free. And they never will, as long as they are the ghosts that we won't see.
But don’t lose hope. The greater majority of families described in the Bible are just like families today: blended. Parents, singly or with a partner, are raising children from multiple biological relationships. Most families in the Bible were not strong nuclear configurations.
It goes back as to Abraham, the father of the faith. He had numbers of children from three wives. Most of the children were a “second family” raised after Sarah died. But during Sarah’s lifetime he sired a son from her servant. This led to issues later on.
Jacob was married to a cross-eyed lady he didn’t love, but she kept having kids for him. So he loved Rachel, but had sex with Leah. Desperate for children (even if they were adopted), Rachel let Jacob sleep with her servant girl. Afraid that she would lose her lead in the son-birthing competition, Leah did the same with her own handmaid. So now Joseph (the only normal one among the kids) grows up in a household with stepbrothers from multiple women. The oldest brother has an affair with his father's concubine.
As American philosopher Elbert (not L. Ron) Hubbard pointed out, “Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.” Or to say it another way, the difference between genius and stupidity is that there are limitations on genius. Stupid goes forever.
But God is faithful, and the word of God not only addresses these relationships without condemnation, but shows us Bible principles that will redeem them. So when it comes to blended family function we have one word: don’t wreck it, redeem it by reconciliation. Watch!
Use a 3G Strategy
A. Grieve loss
B. Grant forgiveness
C. Get on with life
If you are parenting from the position of the blender remember, relationships with stepchildren develop slowly. And adding the Ex makes life complex. So how do we
Handle-Up on Blended Family Business
1. Carefully and prayerfully pick the person you are going to parent with
Hello somebody! Wake up before you lay down!
2. If you are married to the biological mother or father of some of all of your kids, use Bible principles to make that marriage work
When 25 percent of children are born out of wedlock (as is the case in the Anglo community), that’s a problem of epidemic proportions. When closer to 70 percent are born out of wedlock (as in the African-American community), that’s a pandemic of biblical proportions because it blocks the human and social reservoir of wisdom between generations. It handcuffs kids as soon as they are born. The result is that while more than 1 in 100 Americans is imprisoned right now (1.6 million in Federal lock-up and over 700,000 in local jails), 1 in 36 Hispanic men are, and 1 in 15 black men are incarcerated. So today an average of $1 billion per state is spent on “corrections,” compared with only $11 billion total 20 years ago. All of China, with over 1.3 billion people, only has 1.5 million people in jail. Sounds like “corrections facilities” don’t, and blame must be laid at the foot of the fathers that conceived kids but did not raise them.
3. If you are now in a blended family, view it providentially and perfect it biblically
Endure the hardness, because you are being supported by God’s providence. That means, since God’s providence has eyes, God is on your side, adjusting his actions in response to your reactions. You won’t get that last statement till day after tomorrow, so I'll just go on.
4. Activate God’s providence by prayer (read Isaiah 57:15)
Prayer will enable you to persevere because it allows you to gain perspective.
5. Since love is irresistible, responding like Christ (with meekness and humility) will seal the spirit of your home and set the pace for perfecting your parenting
You are called to be an image-caster in the home. God uses the specific problems you are now facing to call you to Christlikeness, and force you to change. Either get soft or be broken so I can give you
Some Strategies for Success
A. Advance as a team
There is competition and comparison enough. If everybody on your team won’t advance with the team, then you advance with Christ, and the two of you will make a majority.
B. Avoid bashing the step-parent
C. Arrive at negotiated solutions by walking to the center from the extremes
Don’t put yourself out on a limb, paint yourself into a corner, or put yourself on the ropes. Stop making extreme demands or drawing a line in the sand. Don’t insist based on “principle;” just argue for Bible principles. Leave demands and ultimatums to God, because he is the only one who can enforce them.
D. Acknowledge that rules imposed without relationship breed rebellion
Reach your child’s heart before you impose structure. And whatever you do, don’t lose control and go out of control because someone else won’t let you control them. Instead, get in your prayer closet, regain your composure, and do nothing until you have trusted God by faith to show you what to do in the situation that will make you more like Jesus.
E. Appreciate everything until further notice (which will not come until a day after Doomsday)
F. Appeal to your higher authority when they disrespect your authority
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see
—Gordon Lightfoot, 1969
There are unseen prisoners in our community. It is the children of dysfunctional families. Like ghosts, they are chained in childrearing nightmares from which they feel they will never get free. And they never will, as long as they are the ghosts that we won't see.
But don’t lose hope. The greater majority of families described in the Bible are just like families today: blended. Parents, singly or with a partner, are raising children from multiple biological relationships. Most families in the Bible were not strong nuclear configurations.
It goes back as to Abraham, the father of the faith. He had numbers of children from three wives. Most of the children were a “second family” raised after Sarah died. But during Sarah’s lifetime he sired a son from her servant. This led to issues later on.
Jacob was married to a cross-eyed lady he didn’t love, but she kept having kids for him. So he loved Rachel, but had sex with Leah. Desperate for children (even if they were adopted), Rachel let Jacob sleep with her servant girl. Afraid that she would lose her lead in the son-birthing competition, Leah did the same with her own handmaid. So now Joseph (the only normal one among the kids) grows up in a household with stepbrothers from multiple women. The oldest brother has an affair with his father's concubine.
As American philosopher Elbert (not L. Ron) Hubbard pointed out, “Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.” Or to say it another way, the difference between genius and stupidity is that there are limitations on genius. Stupid goes forever.
But God is faithful, and the word of God not only addresses these relationships without condemnation, but shows us Bible principles that will redeem them. So when it comes to blended family function we have one word: don’t wreck it, redeem it by reconciliation. Watch!
Use a 3G Strategy
A. Grieve loss
B. Grant forgiveness
C. Get on with life
If you are parenting from the position of the blender remember, relationships with stepchildren develop slowly. And adding the Ex makes life complex. So how do we
Handle-Up on Blended Family Business
1. Carefully and prayerfully pick the person you are going to parent with
Hello somebody! Wake up before you lay down!
2. If you are married to the biological mother or father of some of all of your kids, use Bible principles to make that marriage work
When 25 percent of children are born out of wedlock (as is the case in the Anglo community), that’s a problem of epidemic proportions. When closer to 70 percent are born out of wedlock (as in the African-American community), that’s a pandemic of biblical proportions because it blocks the human and social reservoir of wisdom between generations. It handcuffs kids as soon as they are born. The result is that while more than 1 in 100 Americans is imprisoned right now (1.6 million in Federal lock-up and over 700,000 in local jails), 1 in 36 Hispanic men are, and 1 in 15 black men are incarcerated. So today an average of $1 billion per state is spent on “corrections,” compared with only $11 billion total 20 years ago. All of China, with over 1.3 billion people, only has 1.5 million people in jail. Sounds like “corrections facilities” don’t, and blame must be laid at the foot of the fathers that conceived kids but did not raise them.
3. If you are now in a blended family, view it providentially and perfect it biblically
Endure the hardness, because you are being supported by God’s providence. That means, since God’s providence has eyes, God is on your side, adjusting his actions in response to your reactions. You won’t get that last statement till day after tomorrow, so I'll just go on.
4. Activate God’s providence by prayer (read Isaiah 57:15)
Prayer will enable you to persevere because it allows you to gain perspective.
5. Since love is irresistible, responding like Christ (with meekness and humility) will seal the spirit of your home and set the pace for perfecting your parenting
You are called to be an image-caster in the home. God uses the specific problems you are now facing to call you to Christlikeness, and force you to change. Either get soft or be broken so I can give you
Some Strategies for Success
A. Advance as a team
There is competition and comparison enough. If everybody on your team won’t advance with the team, then you advance with Christ, and the two of you will make a majority.
B. Avoid bashing the step-parent
C. Arrive at negotiated solutions by walking to the center from the extremes
Don’t put yourself out on a limb, paint yourself into a corner, or put yourself on the ropes. Stop making extreme demands or drawing a line in the sand. Don’t insist based on “principle;” just argue for Bible principles. Leave demands and ultimatums to God, because he is the only one who can enforce them.
D. Acknowledge that rules imposed without relationship breed rebellion
Reach your child’s heart before you impose structure. And whatever you do, don’t lose control and go out of control because someone else won’t let you control them. Instead, get in your prayer closet, regain your composure, and do nothing until you have trusted God by faith to show you what to do in the situation that will make you more like Jesus.
E. Appreciate everything until further notice (which will not come until a day after Doomsday)
F. Appeal to your higher authority when they disrespect your authority
Parenting is tough. The difficulties are many. You are not immune to pain. And it is in the midst of your weakness that God desires to make his strength known.
