A paradigm is an example, a model, a pattern. In our series on parenting it is the standard image and vision of what biblical parenting should be. God is a perfected trinity. As with all things based on God's image and truth, perfected parenting is likewise a trinity.
THE TRINITY OF PARENTING
1. Guardian
2. Guide
3. Governor
How'd you miss that, all these years? The foundation of parenting is an understanding and outworking of this trinity, administering truth in grace. Next, let's set the context of defining our paradigms with
A WORD TO THE MOMMAS AND THE POPPAS
A. Parents are not in charge just because they are bigger, smarter, or got to the planet first, but because God has made the adult his agent in the lives of children
B. Perfected parental authority is expressed as a combination of control and influence
C. Expect kids both to disobey and to try and get around the rules regularly
D. If you didn’t state it, they can’t obey it
E. Be willing to talk about it but never willing to argue over it
F. Train them by telling them only once, because you establish the limit by what you allow early on
Every child has natural bents that are both good and evil. Each of us has a spirit that is connected to who we are as a person, our drive and self-image. We also have a will connected to our faculty of free agency and the ability to choose. How are parents going to mold their child's will without crushing his or her spirit? How indeed, if that child has made a wrong choice and needs his or her will bent to the right direction without completely destroying their self worth?
First, some tips on breaking the will, but not the spirit of a child.
• Make your home honor the Lord in such a way that they have no choice but to follow God
• Distinguish between weakness and wickedness, childish irresponsibility versus willful rebellion
• Do not delay your discipline of them, because this increases the difficulty until you reach the point of despair
• How many times it takes your child before he or she obeys is proportional to how many times it takes him to act up before you act
Raising a child so that their spirit is encouraged while their will is conformed takes a different paradigm for teenagers than it does for younger kids. So we partition the paradigm into two. Here is what to do
IN THE FIRST DECADE TO A DOZEN YEARS
1. Exercise loving control
2. Give them a godly example
3. Rule through routines and boundaries
4. Always have effective follow-through on promised consequences
SIDEBAR on spanking: Spanking is the measured use of physical pain to change the mind of your child in their determination to be disobedient.
• The Bible does not condone beating, injuring, hurting or humiliating your children
• Spanking should not substitute for patience
Taking the time to discipline children early in life saves a lot of grief later on. But remember, parenting impacts more than just the present, because you are preparing them to enter eternity from this life.
A principle-ized paradigm for raising teenagers is based in the recognition that to perfect your parenting you must change your strategy over time. How do we navigate that? First, with some
TIPS ON TRANSITIONING
A. Moving from exercising parental authority through control to exercising it by influence depends on the personality and maturity of your child
B. Know your kids
C. Understand your Bible
D. Ask God for guidance
Teenagers should be taught to develop good judgment by being allowed to make some of their own judgments. Boundaries must now be based on who you are dealing with in each issue, because the goal is to help a teenager develop good judgment while they are with you so they will make good decisions once they are on their own.
A PARADIGM FOR BRINGING UP ADOLESCENTS
1. Teenagers need authority expressed as loving influence
2. Develop systems that are designed to minimize conflict
3. Let reality provide the discipline
4. Talk about matters of the heart
Can I break it down for you? As a parent, you have authority over your child. But check this. Authority is the right to define limits, rules and consequences through the balanced application of direct control and appeal to conscience.
Influence, Conflict and Discipline of a Teen
Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Key Definitions
• To provoke your child means to challenge them in such a way that it calls forth a hostile reaction.
• Nurture is communicating life skills by cultivating a child’s mind and morals to correct their mistakes and curb their passions.
• Admonition implies we love a child enough to warn them and exhort them rather than stand by and ignore them.
THE DIVINE TRINITY ON RAISING TEENS
1. Search the scriptures
2. Seek the assistance of the Spirit
3. Respond based on the your personal knowledge of how to appeal to your child’s conscience
Matters of the Heart
What’s really involved in a paradigm for parenting older kids is a battle for their heart. You have to be a partner in their struggle. It is your transparency, honesty and candor that helps your kid come to grips with what they are going through.
You have to be the one who is every day and in every way pointing your teens to Christ. Your attitude is going to get you in more trouble with your teenager than anything else. Humility and meekness will breed mutual respect. You don’t have to approve what is popular, but you have to be aware of pop culture.
WAGING THE WAR FOR YOUR TEENAGER WISELY
A. Understand that what is at stake in raising our teens is who and what they worship
B. Identify potential idols that seek to take the place of God
C. Expect to be shocked, but don’t be judgmental
D. Deal with your own guilt now
Recommended Resources for 0-12
To Train Up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl. No Greater Joy, 1995.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/
Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp, Shepherd Press, 1998.
Hints on Child Training, by H. Clay Trumbull. Great Expectations Book Co., 1993.
Five Needs Your Child Must Have Met at Home, by Ron Hutchcraft. Zondervan, 1995.
Recommended Resources for 10-19
Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition with Study Guide, by Paul David Tripp. P & R Publishing, 2001.
Family Shock: Keeping Families Strong in the Midst of Earthshaking Change, by Gary R. Collins. Tyndale House, 1995.
“Communication Skills for Parents” http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/disciplin1/a/comskills.htm
“The Five Musts of Intentional Listening,” by Jan Pedersen. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Pedersen2.html
* Note: recommending a resource does not constitute Alan’s endorsement of everything in the book. Read with discretion, and balance any author’s advice against what you are learning in the Bible through the Career Class and our parenting groups.
THE TRINITY OF PARENTING
1. Guardian
2. Guide
3. Governor
How'd you miss that, all these years? The foundation of parenting is an understanding and outworking of this trinity, administering truth in grace. Next, let's set the context of defining our paradigms with
A WORD TO THE MOMMAS AND THE POPPAS
A. Parents are not in charge just because they are bigger, smarter, or got to the planet first, but because God has made the adult his agent in the lives of childrenB. Perfected parental authority is expressed as a combination of control and influence
C. Expect kids both to disobey and to try and get around the rules regularly
D. If you didn’t state it, they can’t obey it
E. Be willing to talk about it but never willing to argue over it
F. Train them by telling them only once, because you establish the limit by what you allow early on
Every child has natural bents that are both good and evil. Each of us has a spirit that is connected to who we are as a person, our drive and self-image. We also have a will connected to our faculty of free agency and the ability to choose. How are parents going to mold their child's will without crushing his or her spirit? How indeed, if that child has made a wrong choice and needs his or her will bent to the right direction without completely destroying their self worth?
First, some tips on breaking the will, but not the spirit of a child.
• Make your home honor the Lord in such a way that they have no choice but to follow God
• Distinguish between weakness and wickedness, childish irresponsibility versus willful rebellion
• Do not delay your discipline of them, because this increases the difficulty until you reach the point of despair
• How many times it takes your child before he or she obeys is proportional to how many times it takes him to act up before you act
Raising a child so that their spirit is encouraged while their will is conformed takes a different paradigm for teenagers than it does for younger kids. So we partition the paradigm into two. Here is what to do
IN THE FIRST DECADE TO A DOZEN YEARS
1. Exercise loving control
2. Give them a godly example
3. Rule through routines and boundaries
4. Always have effective follow-through on promised consequences
SIDEBAR on spanking: Spanking is the measured use of physical pain to change the mind of your child in their determination to be disobedient.
• The Bible does not condone beating, injuring, hurting or humiliating your children
• Spanking should not substitute for patience
Taking the time to discipline children early in life saves a lot of grief later on. But remember, parenting impacts more than just the present, because you are preparing them to enter eternity from this life.
A principle-ized paradigm for raising teenagers is based in the recognition that to perfect your parenting you must change your strategy over time. How do we navigate that? First, with some
TIPS ON TRANSITIONING
A. Moving from exercising parental authority through control to exercising it by influence depends on the personality and maturity of your child
B. Know your kids
C. Understand your Bible
D. Ask God for guidance
Teenagers should be taught to develop good judgment by being allowed to make some of their own judgments. Boundaries must now be based on who you are dealing with in each issue, because the goal is to help a teenager develop good judgment while they are with you so they will make good decisions once they are on their own.
A PARADIGM FOR BRINGING UP ADOLESCENTS
1. Teenagers need authority expressed as loving influence
2. Develop systems that are designed to minimize conflict
3. Let reality provide the discipline
4. Talk about matters of the heart
Can I break it down for you? As a parent, you have authority over your child. But check this. Authority is the right to define limits, rules and consequences through the balanced application of direct control and appeal to conscience.
Influence, Conflict and Discipline of a Teen
Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Key Definitions
• To provoke your child means to challenge them in such a way that it calls forth a hostile reaction.
• Nurture is communicating life skills by cultivating a child’s mind and morals to correct their mistakes and curb their passions.
• Admonition implies we love a child enough to warn them and exhort them rather than stand by and ignore them.
THE DIVINE TRINITY ON RAISING TEENS
1. Search the scriptures
2. Seek the assistance of the Spirit
3. Respond based on the your personal knowledge of how to appeal to your child’s conscience
Matters of the Heart
What’s really involved in a paradigm for parenting older kids is a battle for their heart. You have to be a partner in their struggle. It is your transparency, honesty and candor that helps your kid come to grips with what they are going through.
VERBAL DOOR OPENERS
• I want to know what you think
• What are your friends saying?
• That sounds important to you, tell me about it
• That’s a good question
• Do you want to tell me about it?
• If you want to know more just ask me
DOOR-SLAMMERS
• You won’t understand
• If you say that one more time I’ll…
• That’s none of your business!
• I don’t care what your friends are doing
• You don’t need to know that
• Why are you asking me?
• Don’t come to me if you mess up
You have to be the one who is every day and in every way pointing your teens to Christ. Your attitude is going to get you in more trouble with your teenager than anything else. Humility and meekness will breed mutual respect. You don’t have to approve what is popular, but you have to be aware of pop culture.
WAGING THE WAR FOR YOUR TEENAGER WISELY
A. Understand that what is at stake in raising our teens is who and what they worship
B. Identify potential idols that seek to take the place of God
C. Expect to be shocked, but don’t be judgmental
D. Deal with your own guilt now
Recommended Resources for 0-12
To Train Up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl. No Greater Joy, 1995.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/
Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp, Shepherd Press, 1998.
Hints on Child Training, by H. Clay Trumbull. Great Expectations Book Co., 1993.
Five Needs Your Child Must Have Met at Home, by Ron Hutchcraft. Zondervan, 1995.
Recommended Resources for 10-19
Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition with Study Guide, by Paul David Tripp. P & R Publishing, 2001.
Family Shock: Keeping Families Strong in the Midst of Earthshaking Change, by Gary R. Collins. Tyndale House, 1995.
“Communication Skills for Parents” http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/disciplin1/a/comskills.htm
“The Five Musts of Intentional Listening,” by Jan Pedersen. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Pedersen2.html
* Note: recommending a resource does not constitute Alan’s endorsement of everything in the book. Read with discretion, and balance any author’s advice against what you are learning in the Bible through the Career Class and our parenting groups.
